U*sD.U.D.Es, the brand new boyband

Cheng as Pachu-Cheng
Heider as Burger
Ricky as Turtle
Zun as Flabs
Zai Ming as Orang Utan
Belvin as Ammonia
Dominic as Milky


It’s Lime for TiME!
TiME magazine recently chatted with those dead-sexy boys all the way from Tanah Merah from ‘U*s D.U.D.Es in their luxurious penthouse suite in Hotel 81. Are they really as cool as they seem to be? You’ll have to read on to find out…


Uh, right. I think we can fabricate something… uh… I mean edit it so as to make it suitable for your impressionable young fans. What have you boys been doing lately?

PACHU-CHENG: We’ve been on our regional tour for the past two months, promoting our album.
BurgEr: That’s right, we’ve just arrived here from Toa Payoh. We started our tour in Tanjong Pagar two months ago, then we moved on to Simei, Bishan, and let me see, where did we go next?
Orang Utan: (calming down) We went to Jurong. The fans there were great. Then we went to Woodlands.
Polyester: And now we’re here to meet our fans in Geylang!


I’m sure they’ll be right pleased to see you boys! Which reminds me, you boys have a lot of fans here, and they went raving bonkers when they heard you were coming down. I’m sure they’d like to know more about you lads. You wouldn’t mind answering some of my questions, would you?
Turtle: Of course not.
Ammonia: Go ahead.

Well, what about the band name? I must say that’s rather original. How did you come up with it?

Ammonia: Well, you see, we wanted to project the idea that… uh.
Pachu-cheng: When we were growing up, we were all big fans of… uh… something… so we decided to… uh…
Turtle: We saw this sign. No, that’s not it.
Milky: The **** with it! We got this ****** name because our ** manager came up with it, and, in his own words, mind you, thought it was "***** brilliant!"



TiME: It’s a real honour to be meeting you boys!
Lads: Believe us, the pleasure is all yours! (laughs) (laughs) (laughs) (laughs somemore) (laughs even more and harder) (laughs die down) (boys sigh and return to normal, with big grins on their faces)

Before we start this interview, I think you laddies ought to introduce yourselves to our readers.
Pachu-cheng: Right, eh? I’m Cheng, and I pachu-cheee...er.
Milky: I’m Milky, and I sing on some of the songs.
Flabs: I’m Flabs, and me and the other lads just go "oooo" and sort of like sing… uh, ‘backup’, yeah that’s it, ‘backup’ on all the songs to…. um… create a rich, resonant tone!! Yeah, that’s it, a "rich, resonant tone"! (sniggers)

Wait a minute, your names are really "Milky" and "Burger"? How did you get such stu… uh, I mean unique names?
Flabs: That’s not really my name. My name is really Tommy Lee John Paul George Ringo James Earl Jones. My mates call me Flabs because of my "fabulous" voice and because I used to work in a lab, thus, Flabs, gettit?

Yeah right, I mean what a corker of a story! Thats why i dun like CHINESE!?!..lol.What about you, "Milky"?
Milky: My ma gave me that name. Stop bothering me about it. I said stop it! I will not calm down!

You boys have a unique sound. What are your musical influences?
Turtle: Well, we all have very diverse musical tastes, which contributes to our "unique sound". I personally enjoy the music of our peers; boys like KoRn, Limp Bizkit, and they’ve definitely influenced my songwriting. I mean, most of the songs on this album, we nicked from ’70s groups like the Bee Gees and Bread. Sure, this means we have to pay royalties but this way we all do less work and we also get to reach out to the parents of the giggly schoolgirls who want our sex. But the rest of the songs, we wrote ourselves (Burger whispers to him). Oh, all right, co-wrote with our producers and they’re influenced by rap-metal. Here, lemme just give the readers of TiME a sneak peek at some of the lyrics for the next single, which we… co-wrote.
Burger: That grandiose longwinded bastard.What?
Burger: Nothing.Right, let’s see"I love youWhy don’t you love me?Let’s get freakyI love youWhy don’t you love me?Let’s get freaky."

Wow, that’s a great song. It’s got great cross-genre appeal.
Burger: I thought so too, when I… co-wrote it.Who influenced the rest of you boys?
Milky: Well, I really love Lauryn Hill. Her songs are great, and as a young black woman, her lyrics really speak to me.

Uh, you’re not a young black woman.
Milky: I am! I am! I don’t care what nature chose! I want to live my life as a young black woman! I am the firestarter! (keeps quiet for a long while)
Orang Utan: uh, well, I find myself listening to a lot of Latin pop these days and that’s left a mark on me. In fact half our next album is going to be in Spanish, so we can reflect our Latino heritage.
Ammonia: Well, I’m actually Japanese, so the other half of the album is going to be in Japanese to reflect my Japanese heritage.
Flabs: I’m the funky Beng, and we’re going to include my favourite artiste Dr Bombay on the new single, due out in a few months. The title is "La Chica Ryoko Hirosue: Let’s go! (The Mambo Mix)"

Wow! That’s super! I’m sure it’ll shoot right up the charts! Right, what about the accusations that (gasp!) you’re just another boyband! How are you lads going to address those dreadful rumours?
BurgEr: Well, we are just another boyband. But you see, in saying that we’re a boyband, we prove that we’re not. All those other boybands claim that they’re not boybands, when in fact they are. By admitting that we are a boyband, we show that we’re not, because a real boyband wouldn’t admit to being a boyband. Therefore, we are not a boyband because we say we are one.
Turtle: Ow, my head hurts.
Flabs: In case you can’t tell, Burger is the smart member of the group! (whole group laughs) (laughs) (laughs some more)

Well, I just have one more question for you lads before I go, since I know you have such busy schedules.
Polyester: Not really. We were all just planning to go… uh… shopping in Geylang later today.

Right, well. Who would you like to be stranded on a desert island with?
Pachu-cheng Martina Navratilova. Pwhoar.
Milky: RuPaul. Grr.
Burger: uuhh..*shows the stone face*
Ammonia: Orlando Bloom. Mmm.*licks lips*
Turtle: Britney Spears. (other boys turn and stare at him) What? She’s hot, okay? Don’t you look at me like that!
Milky: Dude, you have such weird taste.
Flabs: Yeah, man. I mean… she sucks. What’s wrong with you?

TiME magazine’s interview with the ‘U*s D.U.D.Es ends on that note. ‘U*s D.U.D.Es will be performing at the Geylang East Community Centre on Tuesday, the 31st of February. Tickets priced from $99.01 are still available from Babat Lee’s pawnshop.
Remember, it’s Lime for TiME